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What to expect, when expecting?

It seemed making the baby wasn’t so hard, I guess only until you really start saying to yourself lets start a family.. It doesn’t feel real until that moment you have the double lines say yes.
Well I guess for me it took several tests and several days of sickness to finally tell myself yes, there’s a little you growing inside.

It’s funny, I thought yes let’s bring out the extra dishes of food? I was finally allowed to eat for two without looking greedy at the buffet table going up for seconds and thirds, even having room for a dessert (or two).
At least now the response of “I’m a growing girl” can be considered literally.
Well that’s what I thought, turns out my appetite has disappeared.
For years now I would have cheese and pickle or cheese and beetroot sandwiches for dinner, just show me a beetroot and you’ll be lucky not to have me sitting there throwing up just the thought of having that taste in my mouth.

My biggest obsession was tea, every morning I would wake just knowing the kettle was a short distance away, the sanity of having that first drop of tea in my mouth just completed every morning for me, now? We may as well remove the kettle, I want nothing of the sort.
Just hearing that kettle boil I want to remove myself from the room and curl up in a ball with a lovely glass of sprite.

It seems I’m currently managing two meals a day, sometimes I may only manage the one and it has to be the cravings I feel that day, one moment I need spices and chicken the next day the very thought of having either just turns my stomach, suddenly I need pizza or pasta.
It’s an extremely rare occurrence I would have said no to curry but now you’ll have to ask me what I fancy to eat when I’m holding my hair back and making friends with the loo.

I guess, what gets me through is knowing the sickness is the baby growing and well now I’m 10 weeks I guess I surely only have a little more time to get my body used to the rush of hormones that my body is currently being overpowered with.
Which brings me on to the next topic, emotions!

I’m up here, I’m down there, I’m in between and I am probably crying.
I am suddenly a blubbering wreck, I’m miserable, I’m high, I’m having a laughing fit, I’m happy, I’m sad and then suddenly I’m asleep at 9pm at night.
It seems I have currently nominated many people to help me cope with each and every emotion that overwhelms me each time of the day, unfortunately for the husband he has the majority.
I will be sat on the sofa cuddling up loving each and every moment and then suddenly I’m this devil woman, questioning myself and then crying about nonsense.
I guess I should really have a poster made to wake up to each day, just listing who I really am and what I actually feel just to remind myself it’s the hormones (to remind him too).

It seems I’m learning to adapt to the constant changes, although 3 weeks ago I would have probably put myself into a psychiatric unit to monitor how many changes I went through in such a small space of time, it seemed I had become a worrier, my self esteem was lower than ever, my mind was working overdrive, I was up, I was down, I was lost, I had become a billions things in one day and for the first time in my life I question who I was?
I seeked guidance from loved ones to keep my feet firmly on the floor, I woke each day in fear of what I was going to become that day.
I had suddenly fed myself with invasive thoughts and opinions of who I thought I really was or who I was going to become, I was so scared for that week it seemed that all I wanted was reassurance.

As time passed and I started to realise that pregnancy does not necessarily change you as a person but more so just the outer person for now, 3 weeks on I feel myself building a relationship with my belly.. Rubbing it through the day as if I’m letting bump know I’m there for them. I guess it is a little way of cuddling them close and keeping them safe.

It’s safe to say I’m learning that expectations on pregnancy are different for everyone, nope there’s no magic dust with glitter, there’s no unicorns, there’s no sex appeal (well I don’t see that yet) yes the breasts have grown, I read that these new curves were meant to be sexy? In honestly just the thought of touching them makes me freeze, ouch!

But in time, I will learn that each feeling is a distant memory and each moment was actually pretty precious in the making of our beautiful baby.
For now, I will continue to seek guidance from loved ones with the reassurance that everything will be okay.

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So, here is where the journey began..

It’s a Saturday evening, I’m on my way back home after a lovely 10 days away with one of my older sisters in Italy.
It’s my second time on a plane and let’s just say I thought the first flight went pretty smoothly, I was just relaxing the entire time with a little bit of keeping up with the kardashians on in the background to keep me sane, I even had myself looking out of the window at the beautiful mountain tops. However, this flight home was nothing like the first.
It seemed I was very much aware that I was soon going to be in the clouds and a billions miles away from the ground, where are the fire exits? can we open the windows? where is the paramedic? It seemed I had a million questions to ask but the moment it struck me that I was in the air that was where panic struck, that’s right I am sat there thinking of the worst case scenarios, saying my prayers and convincing myself I wouldn’t make it home. I was gasping for breath like I actually thought the oxygen around me had disappeared, my hands were shaking and it seemed all those air hostesses had suddenly became little white dots.
I tell you that whole 1 hour and 45 minutes was quite possibly the longest 1 hour and 45 minutes I have ever encountered.

Finally, the plane landed and my sister turned to me and I was thinking to myself I know what she’s going to say “see, I told you’d be fine” nope, she said nothing but “you bitch, you scared the crap out of me” sympathetic? Nope.

so after many hours of recovering and finally being reunited with the hubby, I lay there back in my home and in my bed thinking to myself.. “I feel different”
was it the panic attack? was it because I hadn’t been home for a while?
or was i finally realising that my last menstral cycle was 9 weeks ago and I had no sign of another coming anytime soon.

so 1am in the morning I think to myself, that’s it let do it.. If I’m pregnant I am pretty certain the HTC level would be far enough in my body to tell me exactly anytime of the day that I was pregnant.

I was right, POSITIVE.

I sat there, kind of in a gaze just thinking to myself are you sure?
I had previously done many pregnancy tests before holiday but nothing had come up positive at the time, but after a further 3 attempts it was fate, I really was pregnant.

I lay in bed that night thinking to myself, well that’s why I was so bloated when I was away? Oh so that’s why I was extremely nauseous, I guess it also explained the hormonal and emotional wreck I became whilst I was away and there’s me thinking I was just missing home, nope my body was changing and boy do the hormones take control of that.

So, here I am and that is where the journey started.
On an aeroplane, mid panic attack and several attempts of home pregnancy tests at 1am in the morning, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Now to start capturing each and every moment, welcome to my blog.